General Thoughts on the Human Condition

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. -Dave Barry

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' -Larry Miller

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? -Robin Williams

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' -Paula Poundstone

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh". -Conan O'Brien

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -Sue Murphy

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. -Rita Mae Brown

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' -Richard Jeni

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. -Paul Rodriguez

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. -Jeff Stilson

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Marsha Warfield

Have you ever noticed .... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? Carlin -George

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -Carol Leifer I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. -Ed Bluestone

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?" -Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. -Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. -William Coronel

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -A. Whitney Brown

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ...But I repeat myself. -Mark Twain

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. -A. Whitney Brown

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. - Jim Carrey