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  • Antiforword #4

    The Anti-Chain Letter


    This letter has been sent to you to stop you from sending out chain letters. The original was written in the 3rd century A.D. by a deranged member of the Most Holy Post. That version vanished during the Spanish Inquisition (Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition !!!!!!!!!). More recently, it was communicated telepathically to Shirley MacLaine by monks on the planet Mongo in the eighth dimension. Now it has been sent to you. Good things will soon be happening to you if you follow the instructions given in this letter.

    This is no joke! If you do what this letter says to do, every person who owes you money will repay you. The IRS will never audit you again. Hugh Hefner will invite you to house-sit at the playboy mansion while he and the missus go on a six month vacation. Finally, you will be spotted by a head hunter and whisked off into the fast paced life of an insurance salesman in Kansas.

    To get all of this good fortune, you must keep this letter for the next five years. If at any time during that time you receive a chain letter, don't send out any copies of it. Instead, you must send this anti-chain letter back to the person who sent you the chain letter (If you don't know who sent it, send a copy of this letter to a random person). At the end of five years, do the following 'de-briefing' ceremony, and you will be done:

    1. Throw salt over your shoulder.
    2. Throw salt over Zha Zha Gabor's shoulder.
    3. Throw Zha Zha over your shoulder.
    4. Walk under a ladder.
    5. Do the rhumba under a ladder.
    6. Pray the rosary.
    7. Pray the zippity-doo-dah, zippity-ay.
    8. Drink Vitameatavegimin (3 tablespoons at a time)
    9. Mix 2 frogs, 3 locks of Michael Jackson's hair, 2 turtledoves, and the remains of this letter in a cauldron and boil at 375 degrees for 2 hours and 3 minutes.
    10. Place the whole mixture in the microwave on saute for 6:53 and place in serving bowls, then chill.
    11. Gargle, then spit.

    DO NOT IGNORE THIS LETTER. If you do, nuclear war is a definite possibility. You will develop psoriasis, gout, hemmhoroids, herpes, and/or a common cold. Some day you will definitely die if you ignore this letter!!!!! Furthermore, your next-door neighbor will start a manure farm in his backyard and begin playing the bagpipe (late at night usually). You may even be forced to spend an evening with an accountant and an insurance salesman discussing their work.

    A police officer from Temecula won the publisher's clearing house sweepstakes. A girl in Chicago got the letter and continued sending out chain letters anyway. She died a month later when a ream of paper fell off a truck and crushed the Fahrvervgnugen out of her Volkswagen Bug. Madonna obeyed the letter and discovered the razor. A lot of women didn't follow the letter's instructions and became mothers of Wilt Chamberlain's illegitimate children.

    Don't send out those chain letters and see what happens. You will be shocked to find that none of their curses come true. The person you send this anti-chain letter to will be heartily amused, and besides, its much easier to send out one copy of this than 5 or 20 copies of some dreary chain letter.
    Do note the following: All of the passengers of the Titanic received this letter. When someone on the boat started a chain letter going, they all ignored this letter and passed it along, and the result is history. Dick Grayson carried out the letter's instructions and became Robin, Batman's Boy Wonder. Both Mike Tyson and Robin Givens received this letter and threw it away. Then they got married. Clarence Thomas followed the letter's instructions. Charles Keating didn't.

    In 1987, the letter was received by a young woman in California. It was very faded and barely readable. She promised herself that she would not send out any chain letters. A year later she forgot, and when she received a chain letter, she faithfully typed out the ten copies of the letter and placed them in envelopes. She developed breast cancer, and the doctors told her she would lose both breasts. While rummaging through her desk looking for a bottle of sleeping pills, she found this letter. She immediately threw away all of the copies of the chain letter she had prepared. The next day, the doctors told her they had mistaken someone else's X-ray for hers, and that she was perfectly healthy. Now she's a showgirl in Las Vegas.

    Remember, send no chain letters. Do not ignore this letter.
    Malookie Nookie

    It Works